I laid there in complete silence, eyes gazing above to the dark ceiling in our master bedroom. It was probably 4am, and with our new restaurant Eggs Up Grill, it wasn’t unusual for my husband to be awake. He reached out and touched my hand or arm, or something, and you know how you just know your spouse is in the mood just by how they “reach” for you. He reached for me, and I TURNED MY HUSBAND AWAY!
I should preface all of this by saying that in almost 9 years of marriage, I’ve turned my husband away less than 5 times of which most of those were weeks after giving birth to a baby. I always made sexual intimacy a priority before business trips or post arguments and making up, or after or before date nights, or while the kids were watching a show in the other room. Yep. We are that crazy couple. And we may have gotten caught with our pants down, after I forgot to lock the door one day! No joke. That kid will need therapy. But since going through Love & Respect at life group at church, the importance of sexual intimacy in a marriage goes without saying in our household.
AND THEN CAME age 34, with it’s mountains of gray hairs, and extra fluff around the middle and hips. And hormones out of whack. And little people always touching me. I looked over to my husband and said, “Do you like me at this weight?” You see, weight has NEVER been a hot topic in our house. I gained 55 pounds with one kid, and he still loved every piece of me as if I was Victoria Secret’s next top model. I have always been pretty slim and vain, so I had never gained weight outside of pregnancy. I would exercise regularly, eat healthy because I liked the way I looked and felt, and VANITY….but for the first time ever, at 34, all of that stuff didn’t matter. The eating healthy because I wanted to look good. Or exercising because I wanted to be a certain size, and next thing you know, I had gained 10 pounds. I was now up to a weight I hadn’t been in over 2 years, and then it hit me. People’s perceptions of me didn’t matter anymore. People’s expectations of me didn’t control me anymore. God’s freedom of approval addiction and perfectionism no longer had it’s grip on me. For so long, I wouldn’t eat this or that thing for fear of gaining weight or people’s judgements. So for the last 6 months, I’ve eaten pretty freely, and loved every second of it. Now, I’m paying for it because I can’t fit my pants, BUT BUT that freedom to be ME devoid of expectations of others AND expectations that I put on myself is absolutely worth every single pound!
I’m in a new space, and it’s a weird space but absolutely so liberating. At the same time, I’ve not been this weight in a very long time, so I’m learning to LOVE myself NOW! God spoke to me, don’t wait until you “lose weight” to love yourself. Don’t wait to enjoy intimacy with your spouse because you’re a different size and a little fluffier than usual. Don’t turn your husband away because you feel less than, like you have more wrinkles, less pretty, less attractive. Yes! Be healthy! Yes! Try to eat well! Yes, be active, BUT GOD LOVES YOU TODAY! God loves you because He made you amazing, and incredible, and He didn’t say…..I’ll love you more if you lose weight. Or I loved you more when you were younger and youthful. He didn’t say, I’ll love you WHEN you do this or that. He loves you TODAY! Just the way you are! And I love that He doesn’t place conditions on His love for us! He gives it freely, but are we ready and willing to receive it! Receive it daily? Receive it in those moments when we feel discouraged or unpretty or unworthy?
I turned my husband away today, but God spoke to me and healed me from my own “shame” of gaining weight and feeling insecure and unpretty. He freed me from my stinking thinking, and yep, I’m sure I’ll have to choose his truth again soon. His truth of:
“I am fearfully and wonderfully made” Psalm 139:14
And that’s ok. I’ll digest that truth as often as needed, AND I’ll make up for my stinking thinking later. BUT I’ll make sure to lock the door this time!
Until next time friends,
Shelly
P.S Grab my new devotion/book, “I Declare War for Marriages” during our PRELAUNCH SALE on OCTOBER 15th! Head to website on October 15th to order then!