Can we be peeps?
A few months ago, I met some fabulous ladies at a speaking event when one of my friends brought her friends. She had not told them what they were doing or what it was...just what time to be ready. They came early. Sat in the front row, and showed up BIG! She invited, they not only said yes with their mouth...but they said yes with their hearts, and weren’t afraid to just be open and crazy and come to the event! I mean guys, they had no idea what they were even getting themselves into!
(Speaking at Saturated Women’s event in September); if you’re local, it’s the 2nd Tuesday of each month! You should GO! So GOOD!)
Last night, after worship practice, one of my friends invited us out. Now, it was a school night, I had a million and one things on my to-do list to get everyone ready, and goodness I needed sleep with one kid sick this week, another testing my patience and godliness, and with four kids, does sleep ever happen? Or are we just chronically tired until they turn 18? I digress. She invited us out, and I surprised myself by saying yes. Now, the three of us had never gone out together before. It was like an awkward first date kiss...sloppy at first, trying to get use to each other, and then something happened. Something clicked. And goodness, we just laughed and maybe even peed a little. Or maybe that was just me....four kids does a number on your body. So we are laughing and having a good time. And I leave that restaurant super late, but I’m so refreshed. This impromptu girls night out was just what I needed. And I realized something.
This year I’ve been pretty closed off to people. This year...after so much therapy. So many transitions. So much. I’ve changed. I’ve grown. This year I’ve lost close friends, I’ve gained new ones. This year, I spent a ton of years investing in my family. I dug deep into paying off debt and paid off 9 credit cards (in my depression I wracked up 12).
This year has been so hard and isolating, but also so powerful and freeing! But last night I realized something. As you grow, you may leave some people behind. As you change for the better, get more free, GOD heals your broken places, and you no longer have to be someone you were never meant to be, some people won’t like it. It sucks. You may cry. You may be heartbroken. But God will send you some more people. Or bring people back into your life who you may have pushed away before in your brokenness. That as you’re growing, it’s ok to take a step back from people. That as you’re growing, it’s ok to lean into your family more. Lean into quiet rest more.
But we need community. We need to go out with friends on occasions. We need people who will fight for us and with us. We need people who will hug us when we are sad. Or tell us to rise up like the warriors that God calls us to be when we are feeling defeated. We need our people. And can I be honest? This year, my people have changed quite a bit. They look different than I would expect. The people who have showed up for me and Nate...for our family. The people who have grown with us as we are navigating restaurant ownership, school, and pursuing a debt free future. Our priorities have shifted. Our vision has shifted. Our marriage has shifted from barely surviving, to ok...we are on solid ground here? Now what? Oh, we like each other now? Now what? Oh, we can enjoy each other, now what? Can I be honest!? It is a new space. I fumbled through it like a sloppy first kiss. And it was painful. Growth is painful.
Celebrating our 9th anniversary last week!
My marriage for many years was hard, and I silently pretended everything was fine. I came from a broken family, and I just did not know how to cope with all of my demons and struggles. My trauma, depression, anxiety was always with me and bled so deeply into my marriage. I put a smile on my face, but hated every single moment of it and the season of fighting, lack of communication, lack of intimacy. I hated being a mom (and instead wanted a career), and fought depression like trying to fight with a raging two year old who refused to go to sleep. (note: I really want to be sensitive to my friends who struggle with infertility or if you are unmarried and waiting on the Lord. I am not trying to be insensitive or ungrateful. My heart breaks for you as I’m writing this. I just hated motherhood and marriage and everything that came with it during that season of life.) The depression wouldn’t go away, and although medication helped, not everyone was for it. SO I hid. I hid behind doing everything perfectly. The perfect family photo. The perfect house. Everything needs to be immaculate. The perfect volunteer. The perfect homeschool mom. I wanted and felt everything needed to be perfect because I did not feel good enough, worthy enough, and I thought by doing everything, my depression would somehow magically disappear. It didn't. SO I struggled silently. I had so many friends. I threw so many parties. And did this. And I did that. But deep down inside, I struggled to get out of bed most days. Throwing parties. Serving the community. Leading life groups. Bible studies, those things gave me purpose. Unfortunately, raising my four kids did not fill my tank like the validation of doing STUFF! Meaningful stuff or so I thought. I did not see raising children and homeschooling as meaningful stuff. And goodness, I wish I could go back to that time. To you mama, who are feeling the same way. I feel you. You are doing the meaningful stuff. The most meaningful stuff there is. Even on the days where you feel like you are failing. Or you want a drink at 8am. And not coffee. Goodness, I’ve been there. The lies we believe. The lies we allow the enemy to feed us telling us who we should be and what we should be doing or what we are doing is not good enough or we should be doing more more more. Serving more. Being more busy. No. The enemy is such a liar. You are doing enough! You are amazing. You are ENOUGH because God makes you enough NOT based on your job title or getting everything right. I didn’t understand my identity in Christ, so I felt I needed to be all things and everything to everyone. And it was exhausting.
So I began therapy. I went kicking and screaming. People fought for me to go. I refused for years, but finally went. I went to RTF, Restoring the Foundations, an intense Christian therapy, then later started an intense program suggested by a dear and trusted psychiatrist friend. I hated it at first. We will chat about that another day. How I tried to run, and talk myself out of the program. That story is for another day.
The journey to finding freedom in Christ has not been an easy road. I’ve been documenting a lot of it on the new podcast REVIVE! So to all of you who have fought through life with me. Who have been by our side. Who I have said no to this year. No to mom dates. Coffee dates. Girls night. Can I just say. I’m sorry. I was growing. And learning. And writing. And it was hard. But I need you. Or some of you. I understand...some of you may not like the new me. The post therapy me. The post depression me. The NO MASK me. And that’s ok. But to my people. The people who need community. Need mom friends. And women’s friends. And need a laugh til you pee moment. Need a I will go to an event without even knowing where I’m going moment. Need a I’m going crazy, please come over moment. Need a please pray for me, I’m about to lose my stuff over here moment. To those of you, looking for a community of women who you can be real with, honest, truly yourself without judgment, who will pray for you, but also go to war for you? I think you’ve come to the right place. Your brokenness and growing are welcome here! Can we be peeps!? I hope we can be virtual or even real life friends! 😉
Until next time friends,
Shelly
My husband’s gift to me…an entire planned day of fun: massages, pedicures, dinner, and hotel!!!!
PS. If you’re local, come see me next Saturday at a women’s EVENT I’m speaking at.
And if you’re the reading kind, grab one of my new devotions! I AM is talking all about our identities in Christ! Grab it on preorder now, it will be available soon!
Podcast Episode 11: So Long Approval Addiction
